How Dan Auerbach And I Saved Music.

   There was a time when music was good, when it was pure and full of emotion: It was called the 1950's. This was the time that Rock had taken the Nation, and subsequently the World, by storm. Using it's fast-paced riffs, and new breakthrough's in the field of Distortiononmity, Rock (and/or Roll) made the Blues and Soul that much cooler. Flash forward a bunch of years to the present day, with "artist" such as this ...




    This is the story of how I, Dan Gathers, along with the Ultra-Mecha-Rock God Dan Auerbach, saved music from its serpentine usurpers. Below is a partially reconstructed telling of this harrowing adventure, full of Robots, Trolls, and of course, Dan fucking Auerbach.

    We were sitting in a coffee shop. Rain was spitting and rapping against the window in soft, sloshing bursts, like waves rolling against a beach. With a the newest copy of Rolling Stone in his hands, Dan Auerbach was scoffing at an article so vehemently that coffee was flying across the table and onto my face.

   "Can you bee-leee, this shit?! These ass-hoooo's wouldn't know what music was iffit bit them in the chode."

   Wiping the coffee off of my face, I answered Dan the only way I knew how: pointing out the obvious; "Of course they don't know what music is anymore, Dan, because nobody seems to know what it is at this point. Honestly, have you heard what passes as music on the radio lately?"

   Another scoff, another blast of coffee rocketed towards my face. "Of course I have, and I honestly might loose mahhhh miiind if I hear anymore of it!

   "You know who's to blame," I said, in between wipes, "fucking T-Pain. Or, well, I guess we could also blame the record labels, society, etc, but that's way too much work. So lets just go get T-Pain and shove that vocoder right down his glittery, diamond filled mouth instead."

   In a howling, bluesy scream, Dan Auerbach shot up from his seat in the booth, "In times like theeese, I need relieeef, please show me hoowow! Oh, show me howw!"
   We quickly threw down the money for the bill, grabbed our gear, and headed for wherever the hell T-Pain lives. Probably some type of diamond encrusted floating ship of vocoding horror.



Like this, but a house.

   Once we had arrived at T-Pain's floating abode of terror, Dan Auerbach and I got ready for the impending battle. Dan pulled out his Six-Stringed Laser-Cannon and Muffled Microphone of Truth, while I had my trusty Katana of Light. Powering up his Microphone of Truth, Dan trumpeted this; "It's me, it's me, tha boy wif a bro-ken halo, come ooooon and fight, the Devil won't let me be!!!"

   "Nice one, Dan. He's probably auto-tune-shitting his pants right now." I commented, giving my support to his confusing, but albeit, scary calling out. "I don't see anything that resembles a door, or window. Are you sure this is the right place?"

  Before Dan could answer, an overwhelming note pierced the air! It couldn't have been from Dan, this note was too perfect for any normal man of flesh and blood to make. Then suddenly, up from the crest of his Diamond House, T-Pain appeared out of a coalescing light, shining from his big stupid sunglasses, chains, and rings. "OOOOH. YEAH. IT IS ME. T-PAIN, BAY-BAY. WHO DARES CHALLENGE ME?"

   "The Great Dan Auerbach, and I, Dan Gathers, challenge you! You are singlehandedly ruining what has been cherished throughout the dawn of time, what has been called Music!"

   "Thaaas-right baby, sweet baby girl, we are here to destoryoyoy yooou!"

   "FOOLISH FLESH-BAGS, YOU CANNOT DESTROY WHAT YOU CANNOT HIT!"

   Suddenly, T-Pain appeared right before us on his diamond encrusted lawn, and swiftly knocked me and Dan Auerback on our asses with one swing of his gay Mad Hatters hat, or whatever the fuck that thing is supposed to be. Without hesitation, Auerbach launched into a furious solo, melting the skin right the fuck off of T-Pain.

   "Neva gonna get enoooough!" Said Dan Auerbach.

   "Shit! Man, you totally just melted his fucking skin off! Hahahahoshit!" I laughed, so hard in fact, Icouldn't do much else but sit in the fetal position in hopes I wouldn't crap my pants.

   Just when we thought our crusade was done, we heard a deep panting and creaking. Like metal on metal. We turned around to face what was T-Pain800.




   "OH fuck." Dan Auerbach blurted out, before being punched in the face so hard that I was sure he was instantly dead.

   "You fucker! You will pay for your indiscretions and trespassing on He Who Is Dan Auerbach!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, lunging at the inhuman robot with all the might and fury I could muster. With one clean slice, from head to hip, I cut through the monster. Sparks started to shower, oil in place of blood started to flow, and with one last auto-tuned breath he spoke, "I AM MERE-LY A PAWN, BABY. TO GAGA YOU MUST TRAAA-VEL. IT IS HER-ER YOU MUST FIGHT, TO END, THE REIGN OF TERRIBLE MUSIC."

   "Lady Gaga?" I said to myself, astonished that the machine just didn't use one of its missile hands, or its high-powered Vocoderscope, to simply kill me right then and there. With the Robot T-Pain800 vanquished, it was time to travel to Mount Gaga. Although, it would be harder this time around without the help of ...

   "Dear brother, sweet brother, can you give a helpin' hand?" Coughed Dan Auerbach from the crater in which his body had been lying.

   "DAN!" I shouted, and ran over to assist him out of the whole of debris. "How the hell are you alive, man? I seriously saw that robot fucker punch you so hard I thought my own skull had shattered."

   "Big brother, big brother, don't you worry a bit-aeit! I am in one piece, but these blood-red eyes, they don't see so good."

   Wrapping a bandage around his eyes, I lifted him up and onto my shoulder to help him stand. Still gripping his guitar and microphone, he promptly took the bandage off and looked up into the sky to say, "To Lady Gaga's Palace of Insanity we must gooo-oh. Destroy her, for the fate of humanity and Music depend on our success."





Part Number The Two, coming soon!