Gagoblins were, unquestionably, the most dastardly beasts in the land. Part Troll, part Gaga, they had an average height of nine feet, and wielded fierce weapons they fashioned out of Gaga's tossed out bras and made chemical concoctions out of her old and unused makeup. These beasts were not to be trifled with, for they had trace amounts of Gaga herself within them!
To prepare for our, no doubt, epic battle with Gaga, Dan Auerbach and I had to come to our senses and admit we needed some type of assistance. Dan, looking and feeling almost fully recovered, suggested we stop by his place and pick up his trusty Vintage Git-box of Supreme Justice. After seeing the instrument with my own eyes, I couldn't have felt better about our odds. The contraption was beat up, to be sure, but within it contained the spirits of old. We had a fighting chance, onward to Mount Gaga we went!
"Are you sure this is the riiight way, baby?" Dan Auerbach asked me as we headed up a dark and tree laden path.
"I'm sure, like almost one hundred percent, man. Listen! Can you not hear the moans and synth-tracks flowing softly down the face of the mountain?" For there was indeed a steady drum-n-bass beat, almost guiding us to her inner sanctum. It felt as if she wanted us to find her. At which point, my gut started to churn. It was telling me that something was amiss.
"Watch out, my brothaaah! At your feet is a trap!" Dan Auerbach shouted, lunging at me and knocking both of us out the way of a spiked-bra log swinging down from the tree tops.
"Holy shit, Dan, you saved my fucking life! How the hell did you know?"
"You set off a trip wi-ei-ei-ire, man. My brothah, you must be more careful."
Halfway up the Mountain of Gaga, we encountered a troop of the dreaded Gagoblins. The mean, drooling beasts must have smelled us coming, for they were prepared for battle. Dan Auerbach pulled out Git-box and in a triumphant sweep of his fingers, blasted half of the Gagoblins back to Hell from whence they came.
I dispatched the other segment with my Katana of Light, slicing the hoard into chunks and bits, sending their detached limbs soaring through the air like glittered comets.
"Well that wasn't so bad, baby, iiiits true. I thought they'd put up more of a fight."
"We're not done yet, Dan Auerbach. We still have the fearsome Lady Gaga to defeat. Come, my friend, lets get this shit done with. I wanna go get a drink, and maybe a hoagie or something." I lolled out, rubbing my stomach and smacking my dry, un-whiskified lips.
At last, we were at the gates of the Gaga Domain. Dan Auerbach and I gasped as the doors, onto themselves, opened and let out a deafening creak. With the spirits of old on our side we confidently strode into the belly of the beast. Inside was Lady Gaga herself, sitting on a throne fashioned out of the bones of countless men, cobbled together with what looked like a disgusting amount of petrified semen. A single light lit her on the bat-shit crazy throne, we saw her sitting motionless and as still as stone.
"La-a-ady Gaga, we have come, baby, to destroy you for your crimes against Music, UGH!" Declared Dan Auerbach. Still nothing from the Lady Gaga. Still she sat in her chair made of nightmares. Dan let out a few notes from Git-box, letting them hang and bounce off the walls of the darkened chamber. Quite suddenly, Gaga jerked her neck, bones and skin creaking, as she raised her head to gaze upon us.
"Who DARES trespass in my temple of EH-EH?!" Her voice boomed, her All Seeing Eye tore into our souls revealing our deepest and darkest secrets.
"Oh, fuck this suspense-building introduction shit, we're here to kill you bitch!" I snapped. Seriously, I was fucking beyond hungry, and all I wanted at this point was a Goddamn Philly with some Goddamn whiskey.
Gaga let out an earth shaking screech and jumped into the darkness of the inner chambers of the Temple EH-EH. What sounded like claws digging into centuries old brick scared the shit out of me, but Dan Auerbach was pretty much grippin' his balls and getting ready for the showdown.
"I'll hit, choo with, my ten cent pistol. To an eaaaarly grave I'll send you!" Dan let out, lighting up his Git-box with his fingers once again. Except this time his efforts were thwarted, for Gaga's All Seeing Eye put an end to his badass blues solo by shooting a beam of electronically tuned beats in our direction. Both of us ducked out of the way just in time, and the beam of beats blasted the concrete floor where we were standing into a cloud of dust.
"Alight, fuck this shit! Dan, go left! I'm gonna cut this crazy woman a new, a new ... vagina? Agh! I dunno, just go left!" I yelled over the commotion, for at this point the inner chambers were crumbling under the might of her All Seeing Eye Beat Blasts. Dan Auerbach did so, and with ninja-like precision, cut around to face her backside with me facing her face to lighting-covered face.
"EH-EH this, Lady Gaga!" I screamed. In complete synchrony both Dan and I unleashed our power upon Gaga. Me with my Katana of Light, and him with Git-box's collection of the spirits of old. Lady Gaga let out a bemoaned cry for help as my blade, and Dan's spirits pummeled and pierced her body. Light then filled the chambers, her temple began to crumble!
"Dan! Lets get the hell out of here, like, fuckin', right now man! We escaped through the main gates, but still the Mountain of Gaga trembled and shook. Howls and uncontrolled beats blasted and swirled all around us, we had to make our way down the mountain, and FAST. Dan, calling upon the spirits of old for assistance once again, threw his Git-box down and motioned me onto it. We rode that thing like a fucking surfboard down this crazy ass mountain, I swear.
We had reached the bottom in one piece, safety at last! We both were out of breath, scared shitless, but victorious nonetheless. But Dan Auerbach and I hadn't just scored said victory for ourselves, we had counted one up for humanity. And more importantly, Music. We celebrated the only way we knew how: Fucking Philly sammies, man.
The End.
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