Lady Nicotine.

    It's a warm summer day. Birds are chirping, bees are buzzing, grills are grilling: all of that summer shit is going on. Meanwhile, Jonathon Cranston Esquire III is sweating his ass off in said summertime heat, all in the name of sweet Lady Nicotine.

    "Balls, it is hot!" Jonathon mutters to himself, sweat pouring off of his lips with every motion of his mouth. "Why the hell do we live in the desert, again?"

    "It is because God hates us, or it's because we are too fucking poor and/or lazy to move anywhere else." Says William Brynell, as he lights up and joins Jonathon in his quest to get lung cancer.

    "Well, whatever the reason," says Jonathon, "this needs to change. Seriously, why are we out here when we can be inside, enjoying the luxury that is Central Air Conditioning?"

    William exhales and flicks his cigarette angrily in an exaggerated figure eight, "It's because we have no choice, we are out here in this sweltering heat because of these."

    "Pssht, why don't we just quit then? I mean, come on, it has to be what - a hundred and twelve degrees?" Gasps Jonathon, staring eyes-wide open at a nearby thermometer.

    William scoffs, "Easier said than done, my friend. How many times have you, personally, tried to quit? I believe you were up to round eight a few months ago ... "

    "You shut your insolent mouth!" Barks Jonathon, flicking ash at William. "You know they say it is easier to quit heroin than it is cigarettes. So give me a break, at least I've tried."

    "We'd at least be having a good time, if this were heroin, sitting out in this heat. I feel like my balls are as manageable as soft-serve iced cream."

    "Dude, lets do it, for real this time. Lets quit!" Without missing a beat, Jonathon jumps up and spits his cigarette out of his mouth onto the ground, stomping wildly. "Fuck you, Lady Nicotine! I am through with you and your trashy, tumor causing teeth staining smelly puking habit!"

    "Really, dude? Did you just seriously spout that crap from, what, D.A.R.E.?" William says, laughing uncontrollably.

"Whatever! Look, sooner or later we need to realize that this crap doesn't do anything beneficial for us. We might as well spend all of that hard earned money and lung capacity on something that at least makes us feel good." Protests Jonathon.

"I see your point, but, this is going to be really, really fucking hard."

    "We can do it! As long as we support each other, this should totally be a walk in the park. Think about all of the money we've spent on these damn things. Think about all of the bad shit these things have done to our bodies! We've got this, bro."

Later on that same day ...