A Review of Salt, By Dan Gathers.

   As we all may be aware of by now, Angelina Jolie has a new movie out called Salt. I hadn't realized she was actually acting in movies still, I was thinking she had her hands full of adopted babies. And Brad Pitt, of course. So, after my brain got hit by their media campaign so frequently that I was having dreams of Angelina Jolie just covered in salt (you cannot believe how sexy it still is, even with all the burning), I got my ass up and saw the damn movie. Oh, and do I even need to say there might be spoilers?




   Ok, so Angelina Jolie is some sort of super CIA agent in this movie, for some reason. The reason for this becomes apparent later on in the movie, but it totally is one of those "called it!" moments. And honestly, she could have been a fucking school teacher and the plot for this movie wouldn't have changed much. But I digress. So Agent Evelyn Salt here starts the movie out by being a blond, but I'm totally into it.


And she rides a motorcycle. Damn!

   Suddenly Salt and her partner, played by Liev Schreiber, get pulled into a fucking walk-in interview with a Russian defector at the last minute. They both have some serious shit to do that doesn't involve grilling an old and grizzled Russian spy, but they reluctantly do it. Salt then sits down with this guy, and the whole plot pretty much gets laid out to you within the first ten minutes. Seriously. In true Action Movie fashion, the writers willingly tell you what you're in for. They weren't kidding themselves, they wanted you to just know this is pure action. They can dress this movie up all they want by adding a sad excuse for a twist at the end, but it won't change a damn thing. Oh, and did you know the role for "Salt" was originally up for Tom Cruise?


Cruise was definitely not hot, or blond enough, for this film.

   I will tell you, when she was interviewing the Russian, Orlov, I said this aloud to myself: This guy is actually behind what he's talking about, she is somehow associated with this, and he will most certainly die by her hand due to some clear double-cross. So he talks, quite openly, and starts to say that there is a spy in the CIA And guess fucking what? Nailed it. If you're going to see the movie and you don't want this ruined, stop reading ...

... Ok, so, Orlov is some sort of Russian Military pedophile that steals/kidnaps children (it wasn't very clear) and trains them how to act totally American, and how to murder anyone within arms reach with nothing but your bare hands. It's all part of a plan called "Day X." Seriously. He then puts these, by this point adults, spies in key positions amongst Americas infrastructure. CIA Agent Evelyn Salt is one of these murderous, Russian-trained spies. Except for some reason, she either doesn't know it until later on, or she was willingly going along with the whole "Lets destroy America" plan until Orlov killed her beloved husband. Then, as stated, she totally kills the fuck out of, not only him, but a whole Goddamn boat full of Russian soldiers.


Looking incredibly hot the whole time.

   Then some uninteresting shit happens, more explosions, and then we get to the good part. She meets up with an old child-slave friend of hers, who is coincidentally a NATO Mole, and takes a trip with him to the fucking White House. Seriously! They fucking walk right in to the damn place and get almost eye-to-eye with the President. Almost, because the NATO Mole Salt was with blows himself up after yelling something about how awesome Russia is. This is his way of creating a "distraction" so that Salt could shoot the president dead, when he could have just blown the guy up himself.

   The President then gets escorted into the bunker under the White House, which makes killing the guy that much harder for Evelyn Salt to do. But she perseveres and gets down to where the President is being held, killing Secret Service Agents left and right the whole way. Then, again, what was already "called" at the very beginning, Liev Schreiber ends up being the real spy in the agency. He actually was the whole time, using Salt as a patsy. SERIOUSLY. If I hadn't just spent the last hour watching a still-attractive Angelina Jolie kill everyone's ass, including Liev Schreiber, then I would have got up and demanded a refund right then and there.

   But wait, it gets even better! She gets let go at the end, because she was really one of the good guys the whole time. She doesn't, however, get some type of hero's parade for saving the whole damn world. No, It's some fucking staged escape, so she is forever an enemy of the United States. Thank you, Phillip Noyce, for directing one hell of an aggravating action movie.