When I first saw a commercial for your "reality show" I was quite utterly baffled. I mean, I've been around for a good chunk of time on this ever-increasing open world, and have seen my fair share of inexplicable craziness. But you guys, you take the fucking cake as far as these television shows go. I would like to think, at this point in American culture, that most of the average citizens realize that the term "reality" isn't actually reality. And yet, here we are! You keep getting signed on to do more of these episodes that undoubtedly turn the viewers mind into mush. You have over a million fucking followers that consistently Like your status updates on Facebook. And to top it all off, you have the most mind-numbing nick names in, what has to be, the history of nick names.
Let me make this clear, cast of Jersey Shore, I am not straight trippin' cuz' you be baggin' all sorts of strange, while swimming in enough booze and Axe cologne to kill even Keith Richards. No, I have this undeniable hatred for you because of what you are doing to the social fabric of this already fragile country. Seriously, think about this for a second: We have more bombs, guns, and drugs than any other country on the planet. And you guys have fucking millions of people watching your every move, shot, and bitch slap. What scares me is that (and this is an uneducated, unsubstantiated statistic here, but lets be honest with ourselves) more than half of your audience is very easily manipulated. That means more than half of America, you know, the dudes with all the guns and shit, will more or less do what you do. Monkey see, and all that.
But even with all of that in mind, it isn't enough for me, nor is it the reason for my unquenchable hate. No. I admit, I have willingly sat through a few episodes of your freak show known as Jersey Shore. Mostly to try and figure out what exactly makes people like your show so much. It wasn't for laughs. Seriously, how can anyone really laugh at your pitiful existence? If anything it just goes to show how fucked up our collective sense of humor has become, or how mentally retarded we have become. Or both. I'm not really sure, because every time I tried my best to watch an entire episode, and I mean I really fucking tried, I just couldn't do it. My brain simply said "FUCK THIS SHIT, DUDE. LETS WATCH FUCKING SHARK WEEK." And from there my brain took over, using my body for the vessel it is, and lifted the controller up to punch into the Discovery Channel.
Wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah! How much I fucking hate you guys and why it is exactly I don't trust your existence whatsoever. After what was easily a few hours of half-assed research, I have come to a frightening conclusion as to how you all have even a shadow of a career at all: you are part of an underground Lizard-People society. Yes, that's right. I know your dirty, scale-skinned secret, Jersey Shore. You were chosen by a council of your forked-tongue peers to travel above and live amongst us, the Top Dwellers. After successfully fitting in, your mission was split into two parts:
#1. Find out exactly what we humans are.
#2. Slowly curb the collective intelligence of the country, then the world. Thus making the inevitable war, and the resulting genocide of the entire human species, that much easier on you.
I have to give it you, Masters of the Lizard-People, it was a beautifully crafted plan. I myself had the hardest time wrapping my head around what it is, and what it entailed. But with the help of whiskey, copious amounts of whiskey, I was able to sit through enough of your show and interviews to put it all together. My only downfall is that I feel it is too late to warn my fellow brethren about this oncoming Lizard-People apocalypse. I will tell you this right now, cast of Jersey Shore: I will abso-fucking-lutely not go down without a fight, regardless if you are twelve feet tall and wield razor sharp claws and teeth. We invented the Atomic Bomb, shotguns, crotchless panties, and Coors beer Goddammit. Come and get us, I dare you.
Sincerely, Dan Gathers.
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